(RP) False Alarm

LMAO I seriously panicked about that.

Although I’ve considered it too but… it’s a bit impossible, I guess?

It’s better to make sure. I learned because of the things that happened recently. It pays off to be always sure of everything before assuming or saying something.

And yes, I think I’ll be keeping this blog alive for a little bit. Everytime I want to pour my heart out, I would… because things are stressing me lately.

(MOD POST) Happy Birthday Park Jungsoo! @special1004

Dear Jungsoo,

I know you won’t be able to read this, but I’ll still take my chances. Happy 35th birthday to you! I emphasized your age because I wanted you to know that it’s my birthdate. LOL!

Sorry for the lack of preparation because I’ve been busy these past few weeks, but never did I forget about writing you a letter for your birthday. Last year, do you remember that I wrote and composed a song for you? I know that you were not able to listen to it but still, I am proud because it’s my first ever composition. You must be so proud. And one day, you’ll be able to hear it. This year, well, I’m writing a long letter because it’s how we like it, right? Hehe. I wasn’t able to prepare a lot for this year; things happened, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

How do I start this? Hmm… I don’t really know how to begin. My mind is blank as of this moment, but I know in my heart that I have a lot of things to say to you. I think, the first one is that… I want to thank you for the inspiration for the past eight years. I must admit that you are not the most perfect person on the planet, and I even bash you at times (jokingly, of course), but I don’t know… it’s just that I am so infatuated with you. I just love you for who you are. I disliked the mistakes that you did in the past, the tweet that you erased which was really, really painful, you know? It’s the first tweet that I’ve ever cried my heart out. Haha! And the things that you said that really hurt me and other fans as well. But guess what – I still love you. I do think that you poisoned me with your charms, whatever your charms are. I do think that it’s about your sincerity, your honesty and your passion that made me stay by your side all these years.

I thank you for being the leader of Super Junior. A friend to each member. I believe that you’re friends with all of them. Yes, you’re close with other members more, but I really believe your heart is with all of them. You may disagree with them at times, or even have conflicts, petty or deep, but you still love them. If not, would you still be a Super Junior member? Would you be a Super Junior leader? You could be an emcee and/or a host, because you’re best at that. You’re not the best singer nor dancer in the group yet you chose to be Super Junior. It’s one of your admirable traits – the reason why I fell for you in the first place. The reason that made me say that – this is my favorite person – my ultimate bias, my love, my ideal person, my heart, my soul, my sky. I thank you for being so strong for the group despite of the obstacles that you are facing right now.

I know that you’re also doubting yourself, or doubting about things in general. It happens, and I do not blame you for that. I know at times that you don’t want to continue, that you want to give up on some things. Thank you for making sacrifices – even if it was not for your own happiness. Sometimes I wish that you just take that path and no matter what decisions you’ll make, no matter what you want to do, no matter what you think, I will forever support you.

When you were in the army, you’ve been through a lot. I didn’t initially want to mention this, but I want to prove one point that I am also thankful for. I don’t know, and I will never know how much you suffered that time. I don’t know why also, but I have an idea. I will never know your feelings. I will never know what you think. I will never probably experience your grief. It was the perfect way to give up, for some – but I sincerely thank you for not giving up. Not giving up on life is your best gift to me. I can’t promise that I will be physically there – God knows I want to, but we’re star-crossed. We’re friends, virtual friends – and you don’t know me. But I want to protect you. I won’t say that I will protect you no matter what it takes – I can’t do that. But I promise you that I’ll protect you in any way that I can. It’s my payback for you not giving up on life.

I have a lots of things to thank you for, but I cannot tell everything at once – so I just want to say thank you for everything.

I also have a lot of things to say sorry to you. You were not my first favorite member in Super Junior, but you remained the longest. You like loyal people, right? Hehe! I don’t know if I am still considered loyal after liking other groups aside from Super Junior, despite of the fact that I promised you that I won’t love anyone else but you and Super Junior. I am sorry for that. I am sorry for holding you back. I am a fan and I know that being one of your fans, even if you don’t know me at all, I am still one of the reasons why you’re holding something back.

I also wish for you to become healthy always. You’ve been overworking yourself, and I know that you are a workaholic who works even during vacation. If that’s what you happy then I’ll support you for that, but please take care of yourself. Take care of your health. I don’t know what I’ll do if you do not take care of yourself or if anything bad happens to you. I know fans and friends and loved ones won’t like it too.

Do not change just because people want you to change. Please change only if you want to change – change positively for yourself. I don’t honestly care if you’re different from Leeteuk – the man in front of the camera, the man in front of the fans, the leader of Super Junior. People love you for who you are. Do not doubt about that.

Please do not take what the haters say to heart. We are your barriers so just look at us. Do not look outside your barriers. We are your friends, your family. We got your back, your front and your side.

All I really want is your happiness. You cannot always be happy, but I wish you to be happy most of the time. Whatever things would make you happy – I’m for it.

Lastly, I wish that you remain the same person with so many dreams and with a strong will to achieve those dreams, the person who works hard to achieve those dreams.

It’s kind of funny, because I still don’t know how I feel about you because it’s been so long. At times I do think that I love you as a person, and as a man, but I don’t think it’s the case because as I mentioned before, maybe I was just in love with Leeteuk, and not Jungsoo – your true self. But whether you are Leeteuk or Jungsoo, or whatever people call you, I still love you for you. I will continue to do so. I will continue to hold your hand and never let go because even if people come, it’s still you.

Again, happy birthday to you! Hope you have a great day, the best leader, my ultimate crush, my Sky, Park Jungsoo! I love you very much.

(RP) Our Journey Back to South Korea

Unknown to most people, except those who followed me and my tweets in Twitter and Facebook live, my sister and I went back to South Korea a week before. We celebrated our birthday together there. Only the two of us went there; it’s a surprise that our parents actually let us travel together alone.

It was my sister’s eighteenth and my twenty-fourth birthday exactly last week.

The decision to go to SK was so sudden, but the trigger point was the schedule of Ken’s musical, which was, fortunately, during our plan of stay. A lot of things happened first before we could actually submit all the requirements and buy the round trip tickets. But for only three weeks of preparation, we decided to finally go.

Actually, I planned to make an itinerary but I was too busy lately. Work was tough, and even my physical and emotional states were not okay. It’s a good thing that I was able to take a journey to South Korea as a breather. Almost no one in the office knew that I went to South Korea, except when I was already there. Because of all the Facebook Live streaming that I did, they finally found out.

Our first night was, well, exhausting. Although we arrived at the airport ten minutes earlier than our scheduled time, we took at least an hour finding our way out, including the immigration, money exchange and the retrieval of baggage. Incheon International Airport was really huge.

We also looked for the stall where we borrowed a pocket WiFi which was already prepaid before the trip. I actually thought that the data was unlimited. It turned out that we only had 1 GB per day. So back home I face-palmed myself so hard because I knew I used a lot of data for my FB Live.

We also struggled to withdraw from the Global ATM. I had tried withdrawing for about three times before I was able to withdraw some money from Woori Bank. Back in the PH, I actually forgot to withdraw so I hoped to do it in South Korea. However, I almost panicked when my card did not work using Shinhan ATM. Then I tried to withdraw from Woori Bank and fortunately, it was granted.

Anyway, we took the airport limo 6002. We waited for about 20 minutes before we got in, and after an hour and a half, we reached our hostel. It was almost twelve in the midnight and it was so cold – we were only wearing a sweater and a jacket/coat, so we felt freezing, especially when we struggled to walk to find our hostel.

We stayed at Hostel Beige 2nd at Dongdaemun. The hostel was great, clean, and it was really close to the airport limo station, restaurants, shops and convenience stores. The staff there were also friendly; even trying to accompany us during our stay. Upon our arrival, we decided not to go out anymore so we just stayed there.

The next day, we went to Lotte World through the subway. I’ve always found Seoul’s subway convenient. At first, we forgot to buy some T-Money cards so we went to a convenience store, thanks to the concerned citizen who thought us how to. Well, we had already used the subway and the card before but the card was provided by a host before, so we were not able to experience buying it somewhere else. Loading it was a breeze though, because we had already experienced that during our first time in SK.

We actually arrived there at lunch time because we were too tired to go out of the hostel. I knew it was not wise to go to other country only for four days without making use of all the time that we had, but we still did. That was the only itinerary that we had that day. We went to the Lotte World Adventure, rode some rides, ate at Lotteria and a Japanese restaurant and basically we did some sight seeings. We shopped for some clothes in the underground mall and heard The Closer played there.

Again, we took the subway despite my sister’s request to take the cab instead – because it was expensive.

On that night, we celebrated our birthday two times – one at 12am KST, then 12am PST. Haha!

The next day, we went early to Myeongdong Cathedral to attend the mass since it was our birthday and also it was Sunday. We got late at the 9am mass where English mass was celebrated, so we contemplated if we’d attend the next mass instead. We found a lot of foreigners though during our visit so we decided to attend the mass in Korean. Basically, it had the same program as our mass in the PH, so we were not struggling to adjust.

After the mass, we went to Myeongdong underground mall to shop and also to find Mom’s House Cafe. And we successfully did! But because we were too hungry, we went to Loco Quan restaurant across the street instead. The pork was delicious, and there were a lot of celebrities went there. Congrats Haha! Your restaurant rocks!

Anyway, after the meal, we went to Hongik Daehakro Art Center for Ken’s musical. Again, we were late to actually see Jaehwan coming, so we waited for our schedule instead at 2pm. I will make a separate post about it later. But overall, I think Jaehwan did really well!

The theater was actually a station away from our hostel, but we decided to go back to Myeongdong instead of going back to the hostel.

Then we went to Mom’s Cafe and stayed there for at least an hour, drinking green tea and also buying a slice of cake for our birthday. We stayed and listened to Kyuhyun’s song, and watched Kyuhyun’s video. It was indeed very cozy and comfortable. I liked the place so much.

We shopped across the steet for my family’s requested stuff and also for pasalubong. After that, we ate dinner at Hongbar, where we were served unli-meat and was a kind of buffet restaurant. The first serving was too many for us so we didn’t go for a second round, also leaving a plate of unconsumed meat.

The next day was our last day. We checked out at the hostel and left our luggage there. We had our brunch at Lotteria again then went to go to the entertainment companies. First, we went to Apgujeong for Jellyfish Entertainment. It was a long walk, even after when we get back to the train station. We passed by the company awkwardly because normal people were looking at us lol. We were not able to stay because there was literally no fans waiting outside, so we just recorded an FB live for about five minutes, snapped some photos and that’s it.

I swear, I could have seen Hana of Gugudan but I was not quite sure if it was her because the person was wearing sunglasses and had her hair tied and was talking to the phone. But she looked exactly like her. I almost danced to Na Gateun Ae to confirm. Haha!

Anyway, we then went back to the station and after being lost, we were able to go to Apgujeong Rodeo. Upon alighting the train, we went to the lobby and saw Got7 standees! Of course, I took a photo of my fave members. Then we went out and saw the Gangnam dolls. Again, this was mostly FB live so… The cold wind at -2 to -5 degrees Celcius greeted us.

Then, we went to SM Entertainment and snapped a photo of it, then FB live. Like in Jellyfish, we didn’t stay for too long, because it was awkward, although there were some fans who went after us too and took photos too. There was no one around except the construction ahjussi who asked us to move because there was a construction beside SMEnt. So we went to JYP Entertainment. I swear, because it was too near SMEnt, SM and JYP artists may date secretly around the area.

Out of all three companies that we visited, I think, we stayed in JYP the longest, because there were fans waiting outside, and there was a Dunkin Donuts outside too. We snapped a photo and of course, FB Live again. After ordering from Dunkin Donuts, we decided to go since our flight was at 9:30 and we had to be at the airport by at least 7:30. We went back to our hostel by 5 pm and decided to leave, however, our host talked to us about a lot of things and it took us 1 hour.

We left and waited for the airport limo to arrive. After 20 minutes, it arrived and we reached the airport by 8pm and checked in right after. Seeing the airport photos of Kyuhyun, we knew that we were too late, and also N was there. We took our chances to look for him but found out that his plane had arrived about five minutes during our check in so we failed to see him too.

That was when it got nerve-wrecking. At 8:10pm, we returned the pocket WiFi. At 8:15pm, we looked for a restaurant where we could eat dinner and found one by 8:20pm. We ordered the usual food and ate as fast as we could and by 8:45pm, we finished eating. Because we could not just run after eating a meal, we decided to rest and went to the security gate by 8:50pm. For ten minutes, we lined up so that the security could check our bags. We were still at the security at 9:00pm. My heart started to beat fast because the gate would close by 9:10pm. Because I was held longer due to the coins that they found in my bag, and my laptop that was inside the bag, it took us another 5 minutes. It’s already 9:05pm when I passed the immigration. My sister and I ran as fast as we could. We ran passing two huge escalators, with me holding my laptop, coat, watch and bag. Gladly, the train was already there when we arrived so we entered it. It was already 9:10pm and I swear, my heart was going to explode because of either restlessness or nervousness or tiredness. We ran up the escalators again, despite people blocking our way. Good thing, the gate where we would be entering was a minute walk only from the escalators. We went down the escalator again to gate 119. When we arrived, we were already called for the last call. We almost shouted present and thank God, we made it on time!

The flight was delayed; my throat was drying, but we finally made it inside the plane.

It was the longest 12 minutes of my life.

So after a few minutes, we bid South Korea goodbye. It was fun, although I wasn’t able to see Jungsoo – but I got to see Jaehwan in person (and Hongbin in a standee, VIXX, Heechul in a poster, Heechul and Kyuhyun in the TV, Gugudan in the TV also).

I am looking forward to coming back again.

(RP) How I Wish

How I wish I could stay in love with you for the longest time. But I feel like I am drifting away from you. It’s just tiring that I do everything for you but you never do anything back.

I should have known better.

Sadly, I can’t love you the way I loved you before.

March 1, 2016

I am generally a weak person who tries to get stronger everyday. I cry over a lot of petty things too and no matter how I tell myself to become stronger, I just can’t take it.

My heart wants to burst and once it is settled, it will just become numb. I like that to happen.

I am seriously sick of keeping my feelings and prentending that I am okay and that I don’t really care about everything that they are telling me. I am aa good actress and I don’t want that.

I just hope that people won’t be biased. Even if it really isn’t what it is, it is what it is shown. I hope that I won’t be put into the limelight too often. I hate that.

February 29, 2016

Dear Leeteuk,

You don’t know how much I’m being thankful to you… for your existence, for everything. Seeing your photos remind me of the past when I was still starting to get to know you and the group. I don’t know why but these photos of you, whether you are smiling or crying, make me emotional that I want to cry.

I don’t know why I am still longing for you and how I can recover from my insanity… but I think someday… I will eventually do so. For now, I want you to be my inspiration to get up everyday.

Despite of not seeing you personally, I still want you to know that I am trying to go to you. Even for another time… Even from afar, I wish to see you again.

I am hoping and I will never lose hope. Someday… I will see you again.

(RP) A Bit

I can’t seem to sleep nowadays. There are times when I feel really tired but sleep is what I needed.

I was near to collapsing hours ago so I went home earlier. It was kind of scary but I think it would be better. At least to rest for an hour or two.

Such mess.

(RP) 6 Years of Love

It has been six years (and 3 days, actually) since I became a Jungsoo biased ELF.

There have been many ups and downs, many happiness, sadness, anger, excitement and other roller coaster feelings as I stan Leeteuk. I have confessed my love for him so many times even though it won’t be reciprocated. I even declared that he was not my bias anymore during those six years. But no matter what, no matter how many KPOP groups and members came, it is still Leeteuk. 🙂

Dear Jungsoo,

I will go on and never let go of your hand until you ask me to.

I love you! 😘

(RP) December 17, 2015

It is what it is. No matter what, it’s how it works. But don’t take viewers or readers lightly. They know. It is just that they keep quiet or pretend that they don’t.

I know. And I understand. I don’t pretend because it is what it is. I know, because I’ve learned to see the truth just by looking at the lies.

I am a pretty good judge of character.

(RP) December 14, 2015

I understand that you want to erase some of your memories but you can’t do that. But don’t think that you don’t have any escape. Sure, you can’t erase those memories and forget about their existence, but you can create and replace them with good memories that you can keep forever.

***

Endless cough. It has been a week. -_-