This is for someone who used to read this, at least I thought so.
I couldn’t count how many times I wanted to give up on you. I couldn’t count how many times I wanted to just keep the memories inside my head. I couldn’t count how many times I wanted to say goodbye.
I told you that it’s over and that I could not go on anymore, that I was starting to doubt my feelings for you. I thought it was just an illusion. It has been years – it must have been true love. I told you that it was, but that time, I wasn’t sure. However, I had not a slightest idea that you even cared about it.
There came that time when I became afraid of what would this feelings for you make me in the future. I couldn’t just hope forever, could I?
I told you that I would just return as how it was before when it was not this complicated. I told you that I lost the game that only I created. You never played. I just imagined that you did. In reality, you never did.
I raised my white flag because I couldn’t keep my promise to only look at you, to hold your hand forever and never let go, to only love you. I knew you couldn’t care less about me loving you from afar.
With that, I was very sorry.
I moved on. When I thought I had already done it, I was wrong. For whatever reason, I suddenly missed you. I missed your smile, your tears, your laughter, your cries. I missed the way you treated the people around you with love, concern and respect. I missed the way you made my heart jump whenever I would see you. I missed the times when I regarded you as the reason why I wanted to be alive everyday.
You still are.
I realized it when I saw your photos and all of a sudden, my tears fell. I didn’t know why tears just kept falling continuously as I looked at your photos.
I realized that I was a mess. It was too late. I fell for you deeply that I could not climb my way back to reality. I fell for you so hard that I could not stand and move on with life.
I don’t understand. What is it in you that makes me stay? What is it in you that makes me not turn my back? What is it in you that makes me submerge in pain? What is it in you that makes me fall more and more.
There was only one chance.
Please… slap me back to reality. Tell me that we’re impossible.
Because no matter what, I am still hoping.