Until now, I don’t have a definite farewell message for Leeteuk. Maybe because he’s not really saying goodbye but he is only saying a mere “see you again later”. If I say that this is a farewell message, it seems that he’s not coming back. Or… to be more realistic, I am not coming back and I will not wait.
Instead of posting purely about Teuk’s enlistment, I will have a confession to make first. Then I’ll write a brief message for Teuk.
Having this blog has been the best thing that ever happened to me (referring to the online world). I started writing (or to be specific, copying and pasting news and other information here). Then I learned to write my own insights regarding news or information, and my comments were written in Italics and sometimes, I was not writing at all if I did not have any comment.
I fell in love with blogging when I started posting about the boys’ cyworld updates and posts, and that was what I loved the most. I tried to comment after these cyworld posts and whatnot, and I felt like I was replying to everything even if it wasn’t even read. I just liked the fact that at least, I was able to comment or something.
I don’t remember whose cyworld update I blogged first, but I’ll be really honest. Because Leeteuk had been writing and updating A LOT in his cyworld, I got fond of posting his cyworld updates and commented in each and everyone of them. He’s the person who had the most number of updates. It was since July of 2009, I think.
It started from just commenting, then I realized that I was already replyimg directly to him, meaning, I was commenting using his name, as if I was really talking to him. Instead of using third person, I used second person, referring to him. It felt like I was replying in his cyworld, but through my blog (that time I did not have any cyworld – I didn’t know how to make one). I grew attached to it, that I nearly forgot about my studies, although I’m not saying it’s all because of that. Then, that is when my feelings grew for Leeteuk. I mean, I liked it when he was almost everyday writing about random stuffs, cheesy lines, emotional posts, all his feelings about his day and even criticisms. I was always looking forward to reply to every single update about his posts.
Then, it came to a point when I thought that he was replying to me.
I was silly then, because I thought that we were chatting using our blogs, even if I was the only ome referring to a specific person, and he was referring to general and unknown person. So that time, I became more and more addicted to comment, or reply to be more specific, at the same time, I became more and more attached and “in love” with him. Instantly, he became my bias by then.
I started watching Sukira, searching every news about him – positive or negative. I lead to think of extreme things too.
Then came a moment when I thought of extreme things that made me more delusional. So I decided to temporarily quit blogging and focus on my studies.
But I still knew about Teuk’s updates… especially about his cyworld.
Then I came back after a term (three months). And when I blogged again, I asked if you (my readers) missed me.
And I got a reply the next day.
“There are times I miss you like crazy.”
My heart really exploded, my feelings became unclear. Is that even possible? I tended to look on my fantasy too much, but I kept it all to myself because I wasn’t sure. I wanted to believe that it was for me and I wanted to believe that it was for another person.
But thanks to that post, I woke up from my dreams – coincidence. It’s just a coincidence. Everything was just my delusions. He’s too far that I began to see life with him as if I was with him for real. The bell rang in my mind. It was time to stop.
After new year (2010), I realized that Leeteuk seldomly updated his cyworld. I felt really sad about it. But on the lighter note, I thought that in that way, I would not be delusional anymore, thinking that we’re chatting, that he’s referring to me in every post that he made. I stopped posting about cyworld updates – I grew tired of it and of my delusional habit.
Yes, I stopped, to be honest. But the feeling was still there, it was still deep that I could not get up anymore.
Until now, to be honest. I am thinking, of all the people, why Leeteuk? Why did I ‘fall’ for him? Why to a celebrity? Why to someone who does not even know me? Why to someone that I’ll not be able to talk with? Why to someone that is so far away?
It hurts… that I need to live with my fantasies. Now, I know the difference between possible and impossible. What I imagined about him and me will NEVER be real. It’s just a false thinking.
I told myself that I’ll be less involved. That I’ll return to where I started – just a fan. And fortunately, it happened. Not that I stopped loving SJ and Teuk, I still do, but as a plain fan with no delusions at all.
And now that he’s leaving the limelight for the army, he was farther than the usual. I am used to it. Although I told myself that I needed not be sad, I will still be, but not as deep as before. Maybe I will cry on the day itself because to be honest, even if he’s still outside the army, I already miss him. He’s still my number 1 anyway.
Now… Teukie… But then… I won’t be sad after that. For two years that you’re not outside, I’ll be a better person and a cheerful one as well. Just like how you wanted yourself be. It’s just two years… I’ve been a Teuk biased for three years, so compared to two years, it is faster. I might have my life far away from delusions – sticking to my reality, but I’ll still wait for you to come back. Just like what I promised before – I will hold your hand and never let go.
See you again later… my angel hair pasta.