(RP-71) A Year of Loss


I’m kinda feeling bad physically and emotionally today… I think I’m sick… my body is feeling weak, my head is aching… and I’m dizzy… But I try to reminisce all of my memories about a year before.

***

It happened last January 27, 2009. I was playing Bookworm Deluxe when I heard a bad news. I thought it wasn’t that bad at all – my uncle got into a motorcycle accident. I thought that my uncle was only into a minor accident. But really, something gave me chills… And I always see the word ‘DIE’ in Bookworm.

He bought his motorcycle just before five days after he got into an accident. Story went like this: he was driving his motorcycle somewhere in Cubao – on a bridge there. A car went near him, so he swerved so that he could not bump into that car.

So there, someone called my father, and then he went out to check my uncle’s health status.

My grandmother was so worried about my uncle. He was ninth out of ten siblings. I just say to her, “Lola, hindi iyan. Hindi iyan malala (Grandma, I feel it’s just a minor accident).” But it was my plan so that she would not be worried anymore.

When my parents came home from the hospital where my uncle was confined, they told me the truth – my uncle was at the Intensive Care Unit, 50/50. His skull broke, his helmet stucked into it. I didn’t feel anything. Really. I was numb that time. I couldn’t think anymore. I just nodded and asked more about my uncle. And with that, I was one of the people who knew about his condition. I was told to keep it a secret to my grandparents.

So I went back to my room. There… all my emotions suddenly came back. I just realized that I was crying. My tears wouldn’t stop. I wanted to sleep, but it wouldn’t stop. I was not crying that loud, I was afraid that my parents would see me. I didn’t want them to know what I felt that time. I wanted to be relaxed and calm because I wanted everything to be okay soon. But I failed. I cried myself to sleep, remembering all those times we were together.

The next morning, the very first thing I did was cry again… I was feeling so sad… I couldn’t stop it.

Then I had classes, there, I cried too. I was very worried about his conditions.

The worse part was, I didn’t had the chance to go to the hospital to visit him. My parents wouldn’t allow me to. I was wishing that I could see him… but they said that it would be hard for me to see him in that condition. I was convincing them, telling them that I would be okay…

After sometime, February 3, I think (Kyu’s birthday). He felt well again. It was not 50/50 anymore. I thanked God. But I didn’t visit him again. Then, on February 5, in the afterno0n, 3 pm… he was gone.

His temperature got up to 50 degrees celcius. Then his body gave up. My cousin was the last one who touched his hand… I wished I could be him in that place…

I cried on his wake. I even wrote a story about him. My cousin was telling me about his last times with my uncle… I felt so sad and envious. Why? He got to say his goodbyes while I, hadn’t! It was so weakening! I wished I could touch his hand too.

And I made another mistake. I did not attend his burial because it was my prom. Silly me… I hate myself…

My uncle was just 33 when he died. And it was one-month after my birthday. Painful, right? Yes. Still, I hadn’t fully recovered. Maybe because I had a mistake… I kept on crying whenever I remember this…

Birthday – a birthday without him

Graduation – he did not see me graduate…

First day in college – he did not see me as a college student.

Chiristmas – First day family are not complete.

Other celebrations…

I was not close to him as it seemed. He was not a straight guy, that was why his other siblings, including my father wasn’t that nice to him. I hated him for always teasing me and scolding me. But when he died, that’s the only time I realized that it was for my own good. And, I gave notice to him… He did a lot of things for me and my family, I didn’t know… it’s just too late to notice it and be thankful for it.

Because of his death, misunderstanding between family members were lessen. I was thankful for him. In times of confusion, I seeked his help, and he helped me. When I had to borrow some comic books, or stuff, he did not hesitate to let me borrow them.

I just realized too that it was always the bad things that were noticed to the person we don’t really know.

The important lesson is that, it is always when the person is gone, where we realize, he is important.

I really wanted to say thank you to him, and at the same time sorry, because I was shouting at him. So I would like to take this opportunity.

Until now, he has not been showing himself to me. Iwanted to see him…

But one time, he visited me in my dream. He was wearing white, he entered my room and sat on my bed, while I was using the computer. He asked me, “Kamusta na kayo (How are you)?” But I answered him, busily looking at the computer, “Okay lang (We’re fine).” I was half happy and half sad because I felt it was a sin for me again… and happy because he missed us.

Thank you and sorry. We love you and we will never forget you.

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